i was just reading my last post on here , and just wanted to clarify: 



.... you die. 

but there's a lot of love and whatnot in between now and then.

and then you die.

hmm i woke up early for work. that's a first.  i drank quite a bit last night. the other day i started smoking again. just one cigarette. sure felt nice.  i think its because i've done a few things that i am not proud of this past couple weeks.  being an asshole sure sucks, but it works. sometimes you just have to hike up your pants, say fuck it and take on roles in your life that wouldnt normally take or make decisions you wouldn't normally make. because it's all really just a big  shuffle. and then you die. 

woo hoo!  it's  been so long since i last saw her. i wonder if she's changed much... as much as i have. maybe not at all? you know how sometimes you picture people as never changing entities in your mind? your brain the ever pattern seeking machine that it is, always builds abstract constructs of things, people. heh.
should be interesting. clam chowder?i was hoping i'd get my stupid book by today but it seems amazon is being a big booty and it's not here yet. or maybe its the USPS i should be blaming. i await with great glee.

The beginning of the end? is this really how it ends? not with a big bang, but a whimper? all these years of hard work and studying. so close, yet... gone? i can't bring myself care. I havent cared much since the beginning, my mind wandering off into other things that interested me. that's been my problem. had i gotten in since the beginning way back when , i'm sure i would have stuck it through. i still want to, but i'm... i dunno. have I learned too much? i feel i've grown too smart for my own good sometimes. i can see that sticking it through doesnt have the certainty of return on investment as many are brainwashed to believe. seems to me you are better off investing your money in stock for a clumsy company like Microsoft and letting it sit there for a couple years, its perpetual monopoly on the corporate/home office and OS markets compounding earnings of billions quarter after quarter without any innovation. hurray for bloated corporate america.


I've taken in a lot while at LB and it's all alive and well, marinating in my head. that's really all i wanted, all i craved: the knowledge. knowledge of new skills, knowledge of knowing that I CAN succeed in a place like that if i wanted to. now its time to put it all to good use and I find that school hinders me too much time-wise to do that. i hope i'm making the right decision. maybe Im not. maybe it's that thing that i have about attachment that is leading me to this path. maybe i need to regroup, not just academically but on various things pertaining to myself. maybe i'm just an idiot. an idiot with a plan. and hey, aren't idiots with plans the ones with the most clout over the world anyway?

Trying to escape the redundancy of everyday life i have picked up, over the past 2 weeks or so, some new rituals right before going to bed which i hope will help better myself. for one, i have made it a point to: read a course book/book for at least 30 mins every night. sketch 3-5 pages a day (1 right before going to bed). Exercise for at least 15 mins to try to whip my body back into shape. and finally, as i lay in bed, i try to recall everything that I've done for the whole day( backwards!) to strengthen  my memory/brain. i wonder for how long i can keep it up. as long as my 20+ push ups a day routine (which lasted almost a year BTW)? i doubt it , but its worth a try.

My painting has improved as well in this short period of time, I'm finally loosening up methinks. i went in tonight, and just, completely was in the zone. one with the canvas i was, yes, yesssss. Painting from my mind/ the heart is the way to go. it gives you so much liberty to express you, yourself. at the end of the night, i took a step back, and i could see the emotion. the frustration. the sadness. the joy. the bliss. hmm why am i talking like this?  ah... haha, DeG is playing that one song with the beautiful melancholic guitar rift i enjoy so so much. Mmmm.

heh, It all sounds silly doesnt it? i dunno. every since I started reading The God Delusion and soon after became an atheist, I've felt as if a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders and that i am free. free to do as I please.

Finally, free.